


Burden

by speedyvibraniumdevil



Series: Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier [4]
Category: Avengers, Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Captain America, MCU, Marvel, Winter Soldier - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bucky barnes x reader - Freeform, Crying, Depression, F/M, Fluff, One Shot, Reader Insert, emotional breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 21:22:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15373596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speedyvibraniumdevil/pseuds/speedyvibraniumdevil
Summary: The reader is an Avenger, but suffers with mental health issues. Not wanting to seem like a burden, she tucks her emotions away, until one day she breaks. Luckily, she doesn’t have to face it on her own. Not this time.





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> This was written during a bad mental health week. It's personal and very much how I deal with my emotions. I hope that it brings others comfort like it did to me.

Sometimes I feel like a burden. Like I annoy people by just being myself. It’s sad, but it’s true. It’s something that plagues me everyday and I wish that it didn’t. I wish I didn’t have it. The social anxiety and the depression. **  
**

Whenever I try to talk to my parents about it they say, “You’re an Avenger. What do you possibly have to be sad about?”

I wish they didn’t say it, but I think I’ve unconsciously take it as truth.

Yes, I am an Avenger. But I haven’t felt like one lately. I have no powers, no radioactive spider, no inhuman abilities, no godly origin. Just a plain old human being. By some miracle I got recruited, and it was great. It is great. But being in a band full of superheroes doesn’t erase my problems, and to be honest I wasn’t the best at facing them in the first place. I was much better at facing aliens than facing my problems.

I tended to swallow whatever anxious feeling or sad emotion that I had and put it away to be dealt with for later. I didn’t want to cry in front of highly trained fighters and I didn’t want anyone’s pity. I didn’t want to burden them with my problems when there were bigger fish to fry. Someone always needed saving. An enemy always needed to be taken down. My problems didn’t matter in the spectrum of things. Even if being Avenger was an anxiety time bomb waiting to blow.

Every “Are you okay?” is answered with an “I’m fine.”

But I’m not okay. I’m not fine. I’m far from it.

One of the few people that managed to uplift me was Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky who was the Winter Soldier and had both seen and done things he regretted. Bucky who was usually silent but lingering around.

We both dealt with sleeping problems and in the depths of the night, he had found me watching Netflix in the living room. Ever since then we would join each other on the couch at night and binge watch whatever new show popped up. We’d talk nonsense and make jokes. But we never talked about what kept us up at night, even though I knew that he had nightmares. Maybe he had an idea of what bothered me too. Nevertheless, it was a good distraction from my own negative thoughts.

It was because of those nights that we grew closer and he had become one of my closest friends on the team. Aside from Steve and Nat. To be honest, as time went on, I started to develop a crush on the super soldier. But let’s just say that it was one of those many things I shoved away in the mental closet of my brain.

And then one day, Tony hosted a party for Pepper’s birthday. In normal, Tony Stark fashion, it was grandiose (very extra as I would say). Many people were invited and I had no doubt that Pepper didn’t know half of the people that were there. Music played, there was an open bar, and everyone was dressed for the occasion. I had on a red dress and black heels that were killing my feet.

I usually didn’t do too bad a parties. They made me a little anxious, but sipping on a drink tended to ease that. But today was different. I felt on edge and like everything was a bit much. However, I loved Pepper to death, so I tried powering through it for her. I talked to her and everyone else, but I was starting to feeling overwhelmed.

Everyone was drinking, mingling, having a grand old time. I was sipping on a drink by the bar, and it didn’t have the desired effect that I wanted. I was supposed to feel giddy by now. Instead I felt…unhappy. I was at a party with my friends and I felt unhappy.

Do you know how fucking awful it is to be miserable when you’re supposed to be having a great time? You watch as your friends laugh and smile and wonder why the hell you couldn’t conjure up the same feeling. I had no reason to be sad or at least I felt like I didn’t. I loved every single one of the Avengers with all of my heart and they’ve been nothing but kind to me since I became one of them. I would put my life on the line for them.

Yet, I felt like I was fading away, floating in a void and no one was noticing. What’s wrong with me?

The whole thing only made me more anxious, like a black hole was starting to form in my chest, threatening to consume me and everyone else at Avengers tower. I needed to get away. I shouldn’t be here.

People started gathering in the middle of the room where there was a seating area. They were doing the trick with Thor’s hammer again, trying to lift it. I’m sure they wanted to see if their worthiness has changed somehow. At any point they would be calling me over to try it out, but right now I stayed at a distance. It’s not like any of us had been able to lift it before.

“Are you alright?” a deep, velvety voice addressed me.

I pulled my gaze away from the party guests gathered around the center of the room and brought it upon man that was now next to me. The 6 foot tall super soldier with the metal arm, his long hair pushed behind his ears. Bucky. He had a concerned look on his face.

I gave the knee jerk answer, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

He leaned against the bar, “Parties not your thing?”

I shrugged, “I’m impartial.”

“Are you planning on seeing if you’re worthy of the mighty Thor’s hammer?” he said the last part in his best impression of the blonde god.

I giggled, a genuine thing. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to put him out of a job if I were to finally lift it off the ground,” I joked.

A chuckle escaped Bucky’s lips, “I’m sure he’d shit his pants.”

I laughed, “I’m surprised gods could even do that.”

“For all we know, he probably doesn’t.”

We both laughed together. When we stopped, Bucky cleared his throat and sipped his drink. I did the same and then looked down at the contents of my glass.

“How are you doing, Y/N? Like, really.”

The seriousness in his tone made me look right at him. His blue eyes studied every feature of my face, as if scanning them for any indication of what I was really feeling. It caught me by surprise - his genuine concern. For a while there seemed to be this unspoken rule of not asking why the other couldn’t sleep at night, but now it was being broken. I could already feel the pent up emotions want to come out like bile rising from my chest to my throat.

I took a deep breath and looked at my drink. I could feel that Bucky’s eyes never left my face. I wanted to tell him. I really did. The irony was that even though I held back so many emotions I was actually dying for someone to talk to, for someone to listen.

I opened my mouth and started to say something, “Ummm…”

But then we were interrupted by Tony’s voice.

“Hey, Tin Man!” he called out to Bucky.

Bucky sighed and rolled his eyes. Without actually answering to the nickname, he turned to Stark.

“Why don’t you come over here and try that vibranium arm on this hammer?”

“You know I won’t be able to Stark. I’m not worthy. I thought you would know that.”

“Bullshit. I don’t care if you’re worthy. I want to see if that arm can really do anything,” Tony said, “For science.”

I snorted. Bucky put down his drink as he muttered, “Yeah I’ll lift that hammer and when I do I’ll chuck it right at your head. How about that?”

I stifled a laugh.

“What was that?” Tony asked.

“Coming, Stank,” Bucky said louder and the lowered his voice to me, “We’ll talk later, doll.”

He smiled at me and I returned it. With that, Bucky pushed himself away from the bar and sauntered over to where the remaining party guests were along with the Avengers. And I was alone again.

I had no purpose at this party, standing in the corner doing nothing. They wouldn’t miss me if I left, so I decided that now was a pretty good time to sneak out of the party. While everyone else was distracted, I backed away towards the hallway and headed to the elevators. I took off my heels and hooked the straps onto my fingers. The floor was cold underneath my feet.

When I finally made it upstairs to my floor and the elevator doors opened, it was dead quiet. No music, no laughter, no people, just me. Something about it made the emotions come back to the surface once again.

I practically bolted out of the elevator and marched over to my room. I opened the door and closed it behind me. I let my heels fall out of my hands and they clattered to the ground. I leaned against the door. I felt nothing and everything. The black hole in my chest kept festering. I wanted that feeling to go away.

A shower. A shower sounded good. Maybe it would wash it all away.

I went over to the bathroom, turned on the water and waited for it to heat up.

Meanwhile, I stared at myself in the mirror. I had makeup on, but if I didn’t you’d be able to see the dark circles under my eyes. However, the concealer wasn’t enough to mask my sad eyes. I stood there, in my dress, until the glass fogged up. I then stepped into the shower, without thinking twice, fully clothed. I shut the glass shower door, turned my face up to the shower head, and let the hot water rain over me.

It was then that a sob escaped my lips. I was alone. No one would hear me. It didn’t matter anymore. So I cried, and let myself feel everything I had bottled up for so long. Soon enough my party dress was soaked through and it clung to my body. I didn’t care.

Tears streamed down my cheeks but you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from the water droplets. I backed up against the tiled wall and slid down until I was on the floor. I didn’t want to stand anymore, it was too much effort. I just wanted to let the hot water pour over me, melt or dissolve me until there was nothing left and I was washed away into the drain.

I hugged my knees to my chest, heaving breaths as I sobbed.

I don’t know how long I was there. I don’t know how much time had passed from the time I left the party to now. I don’t know when I stopped crying. And I definitely don’t know when exactly Bucky got there, but suddenly he was there, in the shower with me, shaking me out of the haze I was in with his voice.

“Y/N,” he said, “Y/N, are you okay?”

I snapped out of it and blinked a few times. My face felt swollen and the water was now icy cold.

His blue eyes were there, inches from mine, and they were wide worry. I realized his hands were on my shoulders. The shower was still on and he was getting wet. His brown hair was sticking to the sides of his face. When he saw that I had made some kind of response, he reached up and turned off the water.

He came back to me and placed both his normal and his metal hand on either side of my face. I could feel the contrast between the cool vibranium and warm flesh.

“Doll, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

I placed a gentle hand on one of his wrists. The mixture of the look on his face and maybe just the fact that I was sopping wet in a dress, made me aware of how much of a mess I was. I was such a fucking mess. Tears flooded my vision once more. I shook my head from side to side.

“No,” I choked out and the tears came flooding back. Except this time the shower wasn’t on to wash them away.

Bucky pulled me into his arms and I couldn’t stop myself from crying into his chest. He whispered soothing words into my ear and adjusted himself so that he was sitting properly on the shower floor and pulled me into his lap. He didn’t have to do that, but he did. He wrapped his arms around me and caressed the back of my head. I could feel my heartbeat start to calm down just by being in his warm embrace.

“What happened doll?” he said it in a calming tone, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I just -” my voice came out strained, “I just needed to leave the party. I didn’t want to ruin it. I’m so sorry.”

“Ruin it? Why would you ruin it?”

“With my sadness,” I said.

“Doll, you wouldn’t ruin anything. Everyone was worried about you.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, “Really?”

“Yeah, they were all wondering where you went. We were singing happy birthday and the fireworks were about to start when Steve and Nat noticed that you were gone. I came looking for you, but you didn’t answer the door and I got worried, so I had FRIDAY open the door. I saw the bathroom door open and next thing I find you sitting on the floor of the shower, fully clothed.”

“I bet you think I’m insane,” I croaked out.

“No, doll. I think you’re having an emotional breakdown.”

“Emotional breakdown doesn’t sound any better,” I commented.

He made an amused hum. “Do you want to tell me why you’re sad, doll?”

You hesitated for a second.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready or comfortable,” Bucky said.

“No, I do. God, I do. I just…Sometimes I don’t even know.” my voice came out strained so I cleared it, “My brain never shuts up so I barely get any sleep. I’ll be feeling great, and then all of a sudden feel like a total disaster because I feel like I did or said one thing wrong. Which makes me feel like I annoy people, so I isolate myself.”

I had stopped sobbing, but tears kept sliding down my cheeks. I sighed.

“I fight battles that normal people never could. I work alongside Captain America and Iron Man for Christ’s sake. This is a dream job. I should be better than okay. So I never say anything, because I need to be strong. I don’t want to ruin things by being sad or nervous, because it’s already a damn miracle that I got recruited the first place.”

Bucky leaned back and I lifted my head from his shoulder. He looked at me and swiped away at a tear on my face.

“I know. I’m stupid,” I said.

“No, doll, you’re not stupid.” he shook his head. “Look…I know how hard it is for someone to feel like they’re not worthy of what they have or to feel out of place. I do. Believe me.”

I frowned slightly. Everyone knew about Bucky’s past.

“But I’m here to tell you that you are worthy of everything that you get. You are not annoying or a burden. I don’t know what fucked up person in the past made you think otherwise, but I’m telling you that they’re wrong. You’re wrong. People love and care for you, Y/N. The team loves having you here. I love having you here.”

I felt the pit in my chest start to dissipate and a faint smile wanted to play on my lips.

“Really?”

He grinned, “Really, and it’s okay to be sad, doll. It’s okay to want to cry and scream and feel nervous. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling those things. Being an Avenger does not mean having to be strong all the time. With the shit that we do, I’d be surprised if you were completely sane.”

I nodded in agreement. He was right about that.

“You are an amazing human being. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. I know because I feel damn lucky to know you.”

I blushed and smiled shyly.

“You’re an Avenger for a reason. You can infiltrate a building like it’s nothing, you’re a great fighter, you’re badass and so much more,” he said, “We all have our problems, doll, so you’re not alone when it comes to feeling the way that you do. So no more hiding, okay?”

He pushed a strand of wet hair behind my ear. I felt calm. I didn’t feel such a wave of negative emotions anymore.

“Okay.”

He put a metal finger underneath my chin, “And if you ever feel like the world gets bit too much again, I’ll be right here to help you. Okay? And not just me, but everyone else on the team will be there for you if you need it.”

I felt emotional again, but this time it was from happiness. From having someone who finally heard me. A tear escaped my eyes and I swiped it away.

“Okay.”

He pulled me in again so that I was resting against his chest. I closed my eyes and let the sound of his heartbeat and the feel of his breathing relax me. What did I do to deserve a great friend like Bucky?

“It’s gonna be okay, doll,” he whispered.

I rested a hand on his chest. His shirt was wet.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Why are you sorry, doll?”

“You’re all wet because of me.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he chuckled, “But at some point we should probably get out of this shower and change out of these clothes.”

“True,” I paused, “Any luck with Thor’s hammer?”

“Nope. The son of a bitch wouldn’t budge. Guess I was right about not being worthy.”

I frowned and peered up at Bucky, “It’s just a stupid hammer…you’re worthy in my eyes, Buck.”

He smiled and hugged me tighter. “Thanks, Y/N.”

The more we sat there, the more I could feel my eyelids grow heavy. I was growing tired, sleepy even. What a miracle. That rarely ever happened.

“Buck?”

“Yeah, doll?”

“Will you stay with me tonight? Just until I fall asleep.”

I could feel his breath falter. Maybe it was too forward. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.

But then his low voice surprised me when he uttered the words, “Whatever you need, doll.”


End file.
